Talking To Me

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Where's this relationship driving to?
Am I not supportive enough?
Just wanted a part of your time and I can't even get a proper one.
You said I wasn't supportive of you towards your cosplay.
Haven't I tried?
Haven't I went shopping to look for those things with you?
Haven't I tried looking at the images and drawing it out for you?
Haven't I tried working it together with you?
But you just wanted someone else to do it.
Haven't I given you the option to decide the time you wanted to come down?
Haven't I given you the luxury of deciding?
But you just didn't want to come in the first place isn't it?

I know how things work out.
If it doesn't benefit you, it's not worth your time.
If it doesn't benefit you, you won't buy it even if it's for me.
If you're not comfortable with it, you won't want to do it.

While I have to go down and do the things that I force myself to?
While I have to strand myself in a room, in a house with non-related people, trying to make it feel like home?
While I have to put on a smiley face even when I'm displeased or else exaggerated information would be given to people I don't even know?
While I have to do things that I am uncomfortable with, while telling you I'm fine with it as long as it's with you?

Yes, I will do things that are uncomfortable but it's because it's with you.
I hate socializing, even with your family.
I hate talking to people seriously.
But what have I done so far?
I've gone to parties with you, gone to family dinner with you.
I don't even do that with my family and friends.
I hate it.

I hate stranding myself in your room without you around.
I hate having to want to go toilet but yet having to face your family, I'd rather wait a little longer.
But I tried.
I would stay just so that I could catch a glimpse of you.
I would stay to even just tuck you into bed.
I would stay just so I know that you're safe.

I hate having to tell you things that I don't like.
Inline skating, is that what I want or is that yours?
Tiramisu cake, or do I prefer strawberry cake?
There are so many things that I just don't like.
But I wanted you to be happy, because I know how much effort you have put in.
I know you don't know me well enough, I don't blame you because I know that I don't know you well enough too.
From the way you place those cubees to the way the cup was chucked aside, you think I don't know?
I'm trying my best to know you, but it's so hard.
I don't have the money, the looks, the figure, the perfect character, the perfect EQ.
I'm not smart, pretty, understanding, thoughtful.
I'm not perfect, not the kind of dream girl you have in mind, not even the kind of girl you might want in the first place.
Had you known the current me, I have no doubt that you would mark in your mind that this girl would never be your girlfriend.
I know I'm not fit to be with you.
I know no matter how hard I try, I would still be so far from your standard.
But at least I've tried.
Tried to understand you.
Tried to reach your standard.
Tried to make you happy.
But I guess I'm just not good enough.
Not someone whom you're having any business with huh?
I get it. Really. I do.
You really should think this relationship.
I leave the decision in your hands.

I've removed every single photo, comments, posts and even likes as much as possible.
I've removed our status.
I'm not sure if I'll ever get a chance to be there again but I believe you have the right to make this decision once more and not regret.
I'll give you all the time and personal space that you want.
I'll let you decide how this goes.
Let this be a restart. Let this be a time for you to reconsider.
I'll respect your decision.
And remember when you make this decision, you have to keep in mind that if you wish to continue with me, you would have to be a Christian.
I don't want this to be unfair to you.
I'm leaving you the options and the right to choose.

I love you.

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